One concern for people who are diagnosed HIV+ whether they should tell others about their HIV status. Some HIV+ people want to keep such information a secret, although, this can over time become stressful. Other HIV+ people feel their HIV status is an important part of themselves and that they want others to know.

This can be a major decision to make, however, and you may want to think through all the possibilities before taking any action. It is important to remember you are not obliged to tell anybody about your situation; it is information that is personal to you and is for you and nobody else to share on your behalf unless you ask them to do so. It is also important not to rush into telling others who might not keep this information confidential.

You might want to ask yourself the following questions before you do so:

• Is there a need for me to tell them?
• Am I telling them this information for myself or for their sake?
• What are the reasons for and against telling them?
• What are the reasons for and against not telling them?
• How would I feel if I don’t tell them? Could I keep it a secret or would this be stressful?
• When would be the best time to tell them (It may not be a good idea to spring the news over Christmas lunch, for example)?
• What circumstances would help (e.g. is it best to tell them when you are alone together, rather than in a public space where you could be overheard)?
• Is there someone who can help me break the news (e.g. a friend or relative)?
• How do I want to tell them? Telling someone in writing might seem an easier option, but it may be a hard way of hearing the news for the other person. Telling them over the telephone might also be difficult for them, because you are not there in person if they want to make any physical contact (they may want to touch or hug you);
• What words am I going to use? It may help if you write down on paper how you want to break the news, leave it a while (in a safe place) and come back to it later. This will give you time to think of other things you want to say and to think of questions you might have if you were in their position;
• How do I think they would react? (Remember they may not react as you would expect them to);
• Will they want to know how I was infected? If so, do I want to tell them? Do I feel comfortable about talking about issues such as sex, sexuality, and drug-use?
• What will I say, do and feel if they react badly? Is there someone I can get support from if this happens?
• How will I feel if they get emotional, upset or angry? What can I do in this situation?
• What if they need information and support? Where can I get information? (It may help to have some leaflets about HIV/AIDS, the person you are thinking about telling may know nothing about the subject and might have questions of their own);
• What if they need to talk to someone about how they feel? Would I be happy about this? Are there people I don’t want them to talk to? Is there someone I could suggest they see for support (for example a health advisor, your local support group)?
• Can I trust this person not to tell other people who I may not want to know about my situation? How will I react if they do?
• Can I ask other HIV+ people what their experiences of telling others have been and whether they can give me any suggestions or advice? (You may find AIDS TRUST Cymru or another support group helpful with this).

What can I do if they react unexpectedly?

This can be an outcome of telling somebody your HIV status, although it is certainly not always the case. Sometimes, no matter how well planned your ‘announcement’, it may not come out as you expected or the person might react to your ‘news’ totally differently to how you anticipated.

Some HIV+ people have been surprised by how well people have reacted ‘I thought they’d fly off the handle and get all angry, but they were really supportive.’ Others have been disappointed by the response they have received: ‘There I was telling them I’m HIV-positive and they got all upset and worried about what the neighbours would think.’

If you get a bad reaction, try not to overreact yourself, it may help to remember how you felt when you were first diagnosed HIV+. Remember when people, hear unexpected news, they do not necessarily react logically or as they would do usually; they, like you, might need time to adjust to the news.

If they do react badly, try not to get angry or defensive: this could just lead to more argument. They may just need time to think through how they feel. They may have no knowledge about HIV, how it is transmitted etc and might be feeling scared, inadequate or worried. Remember, they have probably been exposed to all the media myths and misconceptions about HIV/AIDS and that you may have to explain some of the basic facts about HIV, that being HIV+ does not necessarily mean you have AIDS or that you are ‘going to die within the year.’

They may feel angry towards you for becoming infected; blaming you or your life-style and you could get into arguments about your past or possible, try to avoid getting into the ‘why's and how’s’ current lifestyle. If and discussions about wider issues such as sexuality or drug-use etc. It may be important to discuss such issues but try to focus on the central issue (your diagnosis) and not to cope with and discuss too many issues all at once; it can be overwhelming and confusing for both parties.

If they react badly try to let them calm down, maybe go back to the conversation later (but try not to leave it too long). Talk to them about how you are feeling, how you would like them to be supporting you and how their reaction has made you feel. Try not to blame them for feeling as they do, this might be an initial ‘shock’ and they may have fears or misconceptions which you could alleviate through discussion or giving them some information. After the news has ‘settled in’ they may react differently and have more questions or issues that they need to discuss with you.
Some people react to such ‘news’ by ‘putting up a brick wall’ or ‘pretending it isn’t happening.’ This can be natural; it may be their way of protecting you by avoiding discussing the situation. This is why it might be helpful to give them information about other places where they can get support or information, (for example, AIDS TRUST Cymru or a Health Advisor). These are places where they can talk about issues and concerns they may have which they feel embarrassed about discussing with you.

Remember, we are all of us different and react and cope in different ways. An initial bad reaction can change over time. If it does not, then you may want to consider what that person means to you if, after all, they cannot accept you for who and what you are; do you really want them to be a part of your life?

What about confidentiality?

An important part of telling anybody about your HIV status is whether they keep that information confidential. Organisations such as a G.U.M. Clinic & AIDS TRUST Cymru are bound by their own Confidentiality Policies to not pass on personal information about you without your consent. However, when you tell individuals (even the closest friends) there is the danger that they will pass on this information to somebody else. If you do decide to tell others about your HIV status, be clear with them if and with whom you are prepared for them to share such information (e.g. you may be prepared for a friend to tell their partner in order for them to get support for themselves). This decision should always be your own and nobody else’s.

Unfortunately, there is no legal requirement for employers or individuals to keep such information confidentiality. If you decide to tell an employer (there are many issues about this not discussed here), you could try to find out if there is any mention of confidentiality in staff contracts, organisational policies or if the employer has a specific HIV Policy covering such issues.

Conclusion

Telling others about your HIV status is a very personal decision. Most HIV+ people who have told their family, partner and friends about their situation, have received the response they hoped for (even if not initially). There are individuals and organisations that can help and support you in making the decision to tell others and coping with the outcome. You do not have to tell anybody about your HIV status, but being HIV+ is not something you have to feel ashamed of.